Lost.

So I’ve let myself get somewhat lost in this thing called baking and all that I wonder if I would still like to go back to the reality — working 5 days a week, connected to a company, having to socialize. From last week till this time, these are what have been on mind — cake, cupcakes, frosting, icing and cake decoration I even bought myself the plastic set just so I can have one already cause I can no longer wait till I’ve enough money for the stainless steel one.

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This actually isn’t a completely new thing for me as years ago, when I was 16,17, I used to bake butter cake and make puto cheese during occassions, but I stopped or at least I couldn’t continue the passion that was developing then. I had been planning to try baking cake, since I got my electric hand mixer last Christmas party, with my rice cooker as there’s no oven at my dorm and it’s the only resource I have however, I’d always postpone it because I thought it’d cost me much and it’d me time to find all the needed ingredients. Good thing I’ve been free and some bored lately. If not for this hiatus, I guess I would still have been postponing my plan to bake again. But having said this, I’m scared I wouldn’t want to go back to being an employee which of course will never happen as I very much need a source of income. I’m talking about my motivation.

(See instagram for the descriptions. instagram.com/lazada.erma )

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After that termination, something in me just changed. Well, I still would love to get the same result — enough salary that I cannot only support my family, my 2 younger brothers specifically, but also myself — needs and wants. But I do not know now where I should go, what I should go for. It’s some complex to talk about here so to make it short, I am just not the same person before who knew where she’d apply for a job, what kind of job she’ll go for. And doing this baking thing may not necessarily influence my thoughts on my next move as I’m really thankful that I get to continue this other fondness, but I hope that it’ll never be the reason I wouldn’t like to go back to the real world again. I mean I love baking, but I still have lots of skills to learn so I can’t possibly forget about my previous job experiences and the skills I acquired from those for this thing, at least at the moment. I actually would love to put up a little business in the future that’s related to this thing once I’ve learned a lot already and I’m ready. I’d like to just continue doing it on the side for now.

And as for my motivation, I hope it’ll come back soon. I miss being the person whose goal was always brighter than the sun until she allowed herself be really pressured by her breadwinner duties or is it normal and I’m just overacting? Is it normal that as we age we change, like we no longer want what we used to dream of? Or is it just me? Enlighten me please. 😔

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