I’m at it again!

There will come a time where in you’ll just feel like quitting. You feel miserable, and exhausted. Everything just seems dark. You feel hopeless, sad, depressed. You are tired from pretending you’re strong and happy.

During this time, all you may want to do is to hug your knees and lie on your bed while you overthink, or stay somewhere you’re alone so no one else sees if you cry.

Your mind is bothered. Nothing excites you anymore. You’d wish you could take a day off from the reality. Your face is frowned and you look weary. Cheering up is a lot of work.

I know all of these ’cause I am at this point in my life again, probably for the time my fingers and toes could no longer count. I’m already tired of the role I didn’t get to choose, myself, to play, at least for some part. I’m already tired of being responsible. And the thought of setting goals don’t fancy me anymore because they just tend to become just plans.

I’m already tired of trying to please people just so I don’t get left alone. Worse, I’m very much frustrated with myself for some bad choices I’ve made lately. I can’t understand why at some point I just lose my self respect or that I just let myself be too weak to the extent that the people with bad intentions could actually take advantage of me. Sometimes, I just don’t know myself at all.

But I have been here before, and I’m sure I’ll be here again in the future, so it’s either I enjoy it, or win against it. My loved ones need me just as much my future self does.

God, forgive me if I don’t talk to you directly and I choose to deal with it on my own by expressing it here. I know you can see me, but I’m so guilty for a lot of things. I am so ashamed. Let me handle this on my own for now but rest assured I’ll talk to you when everything starts falling into their places again. 😢

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